Recently, I’ve been lending a listening ear to some of my friends’ relationship problems. I realized that generally at my age, the challenges that women face during dating is pretty much the same: Why did he suddenly stop texting? How do you know if it is a date or just hanging out as friends? Why does he only text me but not ask me out?
These are problems which are increasingly common due to the rise of dating apps, instant messaging and perhaps social media. Since many women generally face similar types of pain points and struggles, I decided to do an FAQ to address them.
While these problems may seem pretty complicated to someone who isn’t so experienced, there are actually really simple and straightforward solutions which can guide you in navigating this type of scenarios.
Please note that my advice is relevant to people of my age group, gender, sexual orientation and cultural background. It might not be applicable to those who are outside of this demographic. Also, relationship problems are generally diverse and so my advice and approach won’t necessarily fit all situations
1) When he doesn’t text you back
With the rise of instant messaging, people would often encounter the problem of why someone did not ‘text’ them back. This is made worse by the blue ticks on whatsapp which indicates to you whether or not someone has seen your message.
This problem is probably the most common one which my friends encounter. The story usually goes like this: Girl meets guy on dating app. They go on a few romantic dates. They flirt over texts. Suddenly, he stops answering her texts. The same can happen for both sides.
Generally, people who have encountered such a situation will feel pretty upset and anxious. They would check their phone constantly to see the other party’s “last seen” and obsess over the small details about what went wrong to try to dissect the problem. They will share these details with their friends to ask them for their advice and what they think.
In fact, if you look at google searches, you will find that this is the third most common challenges that people face and are searching for solutions to.
When you face such a situation, do not keep texting the other party. If he doesn’t reply, it is probably because he feels ‘paiseh’ to reject you or he wants to keep the friendship. By spamming their phone, it just makes things more awkward for everyone.
If you’ve sent a text and the guy doesn’t reply, I would encourage you to:
- Send ONE more text but don’t ask him why he didn’t reply. Just send a joke; an article you found interesting or the usual “How was your day?”.
- If you don’t hear from him for a week, then it is over.
The important thing to note here is that:
He is not obliged to reply or give you any kind of explaination. Nobody owes each other anything if you’re still at this stage where no commitment is involved. The whole idea of dating is to assess if this is the right person you would like to commit long term too and both parties can choose to back away when they feel the other party is not suitable. Please don’t let one or two incidents like this make you lose faith and confidence in dating.
Also, sometimes, you’re never going to get the answer you’re looking for or any kind of closure. Don’t blame yourself. Maybe there just wasn’t any chemistry there and so he lost interest. I won’t know. Sometimes, there is no need to know too. That is life and we don’t always have all the answers.
My suggestion would be if someone hasn’t committed to you yet in an exclusive long term relationship, just treat that person as a friend and don’t have any types of expectations. Try to see others also and don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
2) When you’re not sure if it is a date or you’re just hanging out as friends
In modern dating, things are not so straightforward anymore. When someone asks you out, it can be pretty confusing whether it is a date or you’re just hanging out as good friends. The lines are sometimes just so blurred.
There are many articles online about this topic. One of which I came across said that if someone plans in advance instead of asking you out last minute then it is a date. However, I don’t really agree with this because this person could be just super organized (like me). I love to plan in advance.
To me, the most accurate way to tell if it is a date is if:
- He has put effort into making it special and to create romantic surprises. In contrast, if it is just a normal hangout for two friends, not much planning or commitment will be involved.
- He initiates physical contact. If this guy doesn’t even attempt to touch you during a movie, then you know for sure that he is not interested.
3) When he keeps texting but doesn’t ask you out on a date
The section will apply to those type of women who prefer that the other party makes the first move.
It is sad whenever someone ends up in a situation whereby a guy she meets online keeps texting her but refuses to ever meet. The conversation is creative, funny and exciting but he never actually takes the initiative to ask her out.
In my opinion, this is a major red flag. Texting without meeting and dating is just words and nothing more. Some men enjoy these interactions and get their fill of feminine energy without ever needing to date you. It is possible that you feed his ego so he keeps up flirting and texting because it makes him feel good.
When a someone is truly interested in you, he will ask you out and he will want to see you. No matter how busy he is, he will fit you into his schedule.
The bottom line is if someone cares about you, whether as a friend or romantic prospect, they will definitely invest more time in you. Texting alone is just meaningless and it is time move on.
4) When he gives mixed signals
At times, you may encounter the type of guy who gives you mixed signals. He appears to be super interested and on other times, he is cold. In such a scenario, you’re dealing with one of two possibilities:
- He doesn’t know what he wants yet. Might be interested but not interested enough.
- He is trying to be mysterious and aloof, thinking it will keep you interested
No matter which scenario you’re stuck in, it is not something you can control. You don’t know and you’ve got to let it be HIS problem. So, please do not waste time analyzing his behavior and trying to figure out how he feels, or beat yourself up wondering what you did wrong.
Most importantly, don’t let him have any power in this situation. If you find that he is unsure about what he wants then it won’t be wise to take him too seriously.
The dating market is often filled with people with different kinds of motivations. If you’re someone looking for a serious long term relationship, the key is to wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove. Don’t hurt anyone for your own selfish gains but make sure you’re also able to protect yourself by being able to read others well and quick to respond to change.
When the guy pulls back, you pull back too. When he moves closer, you take a step forward as well. When he see you as just one of his many options, then treat him the same way. When he is sincere, then be sincere too. Most importantly, never give 100 percent in the dating stage without any kind of commitment to be exclusive from him.
This mindset has helped me survive pretty well without being played. Hope that my advice will be useful to you too and feel free to let me know if you have any questions so that I can assist you 🙂